The Most Important Lessons in Life are the Unspoken Ones

November 14, 2011

My mother-in-law, Stella Anderson, passed away in her sleep last month with her family at her side at the age of 97. She was dearly loved and will surely be missed. At her memorial service, her granddaughter (my niece) Britt Anderson spoke lovingly about lessons she learned from her grandmother which made me reflect on some of my own – financial lessons I picked up from her over the years. Some of the lessons Stella taught her grandchildren were intentional, of course, but other lessons were learned from observing how Stella lived her life. Britt shared the “intentional” ones first:

Don’t run by the pool!
Put the landscaping rocks back where you found them!
Wash your hands after you use the bathroom and before you eat.
Cover your mouth when you cough and cover your nose when you sneeze.
Sit still in church.
Use the toilet seat covers in public restrooms.
Don’t splash in the bath.
Pick up after yourself.
Say grace before eating and the Lord’s prayer before bed.
Be kind about people and to people.

The unspoken lessons are the ones a child remembers while observing a parent or grandparent in action. My mother-in-law probably didn’t even know she was teaching them because she was simply living her life according to her values. My niece shared, “When it comes down to it, when I think about Grammy, I’m simply and consistently struck by what a wonderful person she was, and the admirable example she set of how to live and how to be. Grammy’s unspoken instructions to me are both challenges and guides towards a better life.” Here they are:

Be gracious.
Be patient.
Be positive.
Laugh freely and often.
Celebrate, and celebrate simply.
Enjoy life, enjoy people.
Expect to be treated with respect, and you will be.
Complaining is unbecoming and a waste of time.
Take pride in your appearance.
Fierce loyalty and extreme stubbornness can be virtues.
Be gentle.
Be strong.
Value family above all else.

I was deeply moved by Britt’s reflection and since then, I thought about some of my own observations as her daughter-in-law, but also as a financial planner. You see, Stella Anderson was a child of the depression. No one gave her anything, yet she and her late husband Roy were a financial success – they never had a pension and every dime they had, they earned and saved for their future. They lived through some good times but also some very difficult times including when their home, as well as their family business, were flooded with 8 feet of water (and mud) in 1955. They had to rebuild both places. There was no flood insurance or tax relief at the time. To top it off, they still had to pay personal, business and inventory taxes while renting another home and operating their business on the fly. Life wasn’t easy for Stella Anderson, but then again, she never expected it to be.

Here are my reflections of the financial lessons I learned from her:

Stay married. She and her husband Roy were married for 55 years. Staying together is not only good for the soul, but for financial stability also. When couples get divorced, it is devastating financially having to rebuild finances – some people never do recover financially.

Own your own business. Roy was a pharmacist and after a few years of working for someone else, he decided to take a leap of faith (and some risk) and purchase the local neighborhood pharmacy. Roy worked twelve hours a day six days a week for many years until the business was established. Their sons worked in the pharmacy alongside their mother behind the counter– my husband tells me stories of his wrapping Christmas presents for customers when he was in sixth grade. They didn’t take vacations very often, but all of that hard work paid off and provided a good income so they could invest money for retirement.

Understand investing. Stella didn’t leave her investments to someone else. She was a member of an investment club for many years and had a good working knowledge of stocks and bonds and the economy. This was a little unusual at the time since many men were focused on economics and investing, but she enjoyed it and became the investor in the family.

Work in partnership with financial professionals. Just because you have a financial advisor doesn’t mean you give the reins over to them completely. Stella never did that. I know first-hand since when her advisor passed away, I was asked to step into the financial advisor role for her. She always made decisions jointly with her advisors and always understood the inherent risks and rewards with each of her investments.

Pick tried and true investments. Since Stella had utilities stocks, bonds, and income funds in her portfolio means she missed the bull market of the 90’s, but she also was the shining star of the market downturn in 2000 and again in 2008. She stuck to the principal of “investing for your goal” (which was income) and not getting swayed by the fad of the day.

Buy quality and go with the classics. Her style of dress mirrored her investment philosophy – no fads. She had beautiful pieces of clothing she’d worn for twenty years because she bought quality pieces and wore classics that never went out of style. Her upfront cost per clothing item was probably higher than average, but her actual cost per wear of each item was probably well below average. She did the same with furniture. She had a classic Scandinavian style and her beautiful furnishings lasted for 50 years, and are being handed down to her grandchildren.

Entertain inexpensively. In her day, the dinner party was in style. These days the restaurant is in style. A friend of mine who hates to cook is always saying she is good at “making reservations.” If you think about it, going out to dinner is expensive. One glass of wine costs as much as a bottle at home! An entry is one thing but when you add a salad and a dessert, we are talking serious dollars here.

In Stella’s day, they had their group of bridge playing friends (which is free) and had each other over for dinner (which is inexpensive because you trade off!). They had a wonderful active social life and didn’t have to go into debt doing it. My husband always remarks when I make a special dessert, “My mom always said you can’t have any – it’s for bridge club!” I am sure she made plenty of desserts for him but he, of course, remembers the ones he couldn’t have! Either way, they knew how to enjoy life and entertain inexpensively.

It is a rare thing to have a mother-in-law like Stella who accepted a daughter-in-law into the fold as one of the family — a true daughter rather than an “in-law.” She really was a good listener and rarely gave advice unless pressed to do so. When she did, it was very wise and easily accepted. If we pick up any of her financial lessons to live by, I think we should start with the re-introduction of a dinner club and make fewer reservations, and more home cooked meals to enjoy with friends and family. Stella would love that.