How I Coped With My Husband’s Unexpected Death
July 31, 2015
It seems like yesterday but I know that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. I’m approaching the ten year anniversary of my husband’s death but at times it still seems like it happened yesterday. I’ve learned so much about myself, other people and life these past ten years. My hope is that this has not been in vain and my story can help someone else.
My husband was only 40 years old and seemingly in great health when he suddenly collapsed and died on a hot summer afternoon. In the blink of an eye, I was a young widow with two little kids. I was working part-time since we had recently moved for his new job, which required him to travel for long stretches of time.
Not only did I lose my best friend and father of my children, but also our source of income and health insurance. The following years were dark and extremely difficult. I felt lost and alone even though many good people were around me. Now however I can look back and see some of the lessons that I’ve learned.
Hope for the best but plan for the worst
We knew several families where one spouse died unexpectedly and left the family financially devastated so we were determined not to make that mistake. Soon after our twin daughters were born, we met with an insurance agent and bought term life insurance for both of us. As my husband’s career and income grew, he increased the amount of coverage through his employer.
This strategy was a cost-effective way to protect our family against the unlikely odds that he would die young. Thankfully, we had the discipline to do this. Now our family has the financial resources to maintain our lifestyle and meet our goals of paying for our daughters’ college education.
Lesson: It’s never fun to talk about death but it’s something we all need to prepare for. If you have someone dependent upon your ability to work, buy enough life insurance to replace your income. This calculator can help you determine how much is needed then check with your employer to determine how much supplemental insurance you can purchase there. Most times, it is more cost-effective to buy a standalone policy and then supplement the rest with your employer’s group coverage.
Get help
I have an engineering degree and had been in the financial services industry for 4 years, but I struggled to help my daughters complete their 5th grade math homework after Larry died. I was unusually forgetful and felt like I was in a dense fog. It was clear that I needed professional help, emotionally and financially, so I found doctors to help me and my daughters deal with our tragedy. Fortunately, I worked for some amazing financial planners and they helped me set up my finances for the long term.
Lesson: Don’t let pride stand in your way of recovery. We were never meant to do life alone. Sometimes we get hit with a curve ball and the smartest thing we can do is get assistance. Check with your HR department to learn about your employee assistance program. Most offer free initial counseling sessions and referrals to local professionals for longer term assistance.
Ask the local Salvation Army, Red Cross or large local churches for assistance with immediate financial needs. If you are overwhelmed with debt, contact a non-profit credit counseling service affiliated with the NFCC to help you develop a strategy for unloading that burden. And if you need financial advice, look for a fee-based CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER(TM) professional who has the credentials, training and experience to guide you towards your goals.
The journey begins with the first step
I didn’t want life to continue after my husband died. I couldn’t imagine how I’d make it through the week let alone Christmas, the kids’ birthdays and our anniversary. Those days were excruciating but I learned that it was better to face the situation than hide from it.
A friend suggested that I plan constructive activities on the tough days and create new, happy memories and so that’s what I did. My daughters and I choose to celebrate Larry’s birthday (and not his death) by baking a German Chocolate cake from scratch – his favorite. We then share the cake with friends and family and laugh the time away telling funny stories.
Lesson: Life can knock you flat on your back. Spend time there for a moment to gather your wits, then get up and take a step forward. If you are struggling with debt and cash flow, set up a budget using Mint or YNAB. Then choose a debt repayment strategy such as the “debt snowball” method or paying the highest interest rate debt first. Even applying an extra $25 a month is a big step forward!
Be open to new adventures
Three years later, I was presented with an opportunity to go back to school. I was intrigued but didn’t think it was the right time. A good friend told me, “In five years you will be five years older but what will you be able to say you accomplished? Might as well say that you did this!”
Well, I took her challenge, completed my studies and earned my CFP® designation. Along the way, I have met so many new people and find myself doing what I absolutely love here at Financial Finesse. I found my professional calling and wouldn’t have been here if it hadn’t been for my friend’s prompting and my willingness to go in a new direction.
Lesson: Try something new today. Join a book club. Go to that belly dancing class. Determine if your employer has a tuition assistance program and take a college course. Prioritize your savings so you can nurture your passions and do the things you’ve always wanted to do.
I would never volunteer for the pain my family experienced with Larry’s passing. However, I know we are stronger and more compassionate because of our journey. We’ll open a bottle of fine wine, toast the man we knew and loved, shed a few tears and then laugh the evening away with old stories and talk of new adventures. Happy anniversary!
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