The 4 Money Questions Every Couple Needs To Answer
June 06, 2017My husband loves to mentor young men, especially married men — he says he hopes to help prevent some of these guys from making the same mistakes we made in our first few years of marriage. Lately he’s been noticing a trend — a lot of them are bringing up arguments about money. As he’s helping them work through these issues, it seems to stem from the fact that couples are thinking through every part of their relationship, but forgetting to discuss and agree on their financial lifestyle.
A financial lifestyle is basically how you, as a couple, choose to handle money. There is no right or wrong answer, just what will work best for both of you. As my husband talks about financial lifestyles, he encourages couples to ask the following questions:
How will you view the money that comes into the household? Discuss how all money coming into your home will be labeled. Will it be “Yours and Mine,” “Yours, Mine and Ours” or simply all “Ours?” Will you have separate accounts only or two separate and one joint or only joint accounts? How will you make spending decisions about big ticket items? Many new couples find that they both just assumed it would be one way and are surprised to find their partner thought differently.
The thing is, it can be an evolution. My husband and I transitioned through each option. When we first married, everything was divided. After a few months, we decided that we wanted to share our joint bills, so we created a joint account for those expenses. A few years later, we were ready to put it all together and agreed to have only joint accounts. But first we established ground rules about how much was ours to spend individually, and we set limits on how much we can spend before we have to discuss the purchase. This saved us from a lot of future “discussions” (my southern way of saying, “fights worthy of WWE“) about spending money.
How will you manage your money? Will you both follow a strict budget or will you have a general idea of the spending and handle things as they come? Sit down with your partner and discuss how you will organize your spending.
As you may have guessed, I was the strict budgeter and my husband operated with no budget. At first, I stuck with my strict budget, which my husband never followed. I had to learn to get my husband involved in the process and give in to how he wanted to spend some of the money. We now have weekly money meetings to discuss the budget and any upcoming expenses.
Whose debt is it? This is a big one. It’s vital to discuss how you will handle any debt you’re bringing into the marriage as well as agree on how you’ll handle debt you incur together. Will it all be considered joint debt or will it be separated by the person who acquired the debt, with that person responsible for paying it out of “their” money?
At first my husband and I kept our debt separated based on whose name was on the bill. But after a few years of getting nowhere with paying off debt, we finally decided to combine it all and used our combined income to tackle it until it was gone. There is no right or wrong answer, just the right answer for you and your partner. The most important thing is to agree on the answer.
How much debt will you have? Ask each other how you each feel about carrying debt and what your relationship with debt will look like throughout your marriage. Some people are fine having low interest debt such as student loans and a mortgage, some others dislike all debt, and yet others are fine with debt as long as the payments are manageable.
My husband and I are both debt averse, but we had very different perspectives as to how to pay off debt. I probably would have lived in a van to get debt free, but my husband actually wanted a life. We learned to meet in the middle. We agreed to budget our lifestyle expenses and to focus the rest of the funds on getting out of debt with ground rules like establishing no new debt. Listen to your partner and compromise to come up with a plan.
These discussion are tough, but the earlier you have them the less potential conflict — learn from us. My husband and I did not have these conversations early enough in our marriage. As a result, we fought about money and struggled until we learned that we can get so much further by working together.