Does Your Aging Parent Need Help?

December 06, 2016

My father had a presence about him that made him seem larger than life. As my father started aging, we still saw him as invincible and initially ignored the signs that he could no longer take care of himself. As we celebrate this holiday season, take the time to observe your parents as well as any other elderly relatives to see if they may need help. My sister-in-law was the first to notice the changes in my dad so be sure to involve your spouse in the observation too. Look for the following warning signs:

1. Home in Disrepair – As you pull up to your elderly relative’s driveway, look for signs of disrepair. Does the exterior of the home need painting, is the driveway cracked, are newspapers piling up. (It may be a sign that she cannot move around as much).

As you enter the home, look to see if the home is more cluttered or disorganized than normal. Is there an odor? Is there a lack of food (he could have problems paying for food or he may not be able to travel to buy food) or does he have a lot of expired food? If you find there is a problem, consider talking to your relative. It may be as simple as helping them once a week or month or hiring a caregiver or it may be time to look for an assisted living facility.

2. Deteriorating Physical Health – Has the personal hygiene of your relative changed? Has she experienced unusual weight loss? Does he have unexplained bruising? (My father had bruises due to falling, but did not want to tell us.) Is she more tired than normal?

Does he have more bottles of medication than you remember? Is she actually taking her medication. (You can look at the date the medication was given and check the bottle. If it’s full after several weeks, she may not be taking her medication. If it’s empty after a month, she may not be able to travel to get  her prescription filled.)

Is he struggling to move around his home? First step would be to talk to your relative about his health. If possible, go to a doctor to understand any health challenges and if there is a need for a caregiver.

3. Cognitive Impairment. If you can, check his mail for late notices, bounced checks and collection notices. (This could be due to a lack funds as well.) These could be signs of forgetfulness. Does she seem to be confused or uncertain about doing tasks that were once familiar – cooking a favorite meal, playing a familiar musical instrument, recounting a favorite story she has told for years and/or forgetting a favorite song? Do you notice a change in his mood – more closed, angry, depressed or unusual mood swings?

If you have concerns about cognitive impairment, talk to your parent and if possible, talk to his physicians about getting your parent or elderly relative evaluated.

As I write this, I know firsthand that not all parents are cooperative. If your parent is resistant to talking about your concerns, be patient. Websites like AARP offer a wealth of resources on care giving. An aging life care professional  (sometimes known as a geriatric care manager) is a specialist trained to help with the care of the elderly. Ask questions to get to the root of why they are resistant.

Ultimately, it was a team effort that convinced my father to go to an assisted living facility where he is doing great. We got a lot of people involved, including clergy and a social worker, to talk to our father. The key is to respect how your parents feel, lovingly but persistently keep talking, involve as many people as you need, and take it slow. Consider using the holiday season not only as a time to spend with your loved ones but also to uncover a need for help. This could be the greatest gift you give your family member.