Being Married to the “Money Doc”
December 16, 2013This week, I will begin a series of blog posts about money and relationships. My wife, Heather (and the real brains of our family), had the idea to start off this series by exposing some lessons that we have learned along the way. Heather is self-employed full-time as an occupational therapist and specializes in working with incredible children who have developmental challenges. Despite occasionally minimizing the role she plays in managing our household finances, the reality is that Heather is also a co-financial planner in our household.
When we first met, I was a “live in the moment” college student full of hope and optimism as well as a tendency to spend future dollars using credit cards. I also was a financial avoider who didn’t really like talking about or dealing with financial matters. Needless to say, my wife and I have both come a long way in the 16 years we’ve known each other. Here is a little more about her side of the story…
First off, let me introduce myself. My name is Heather Spann and I like to spend money. In many respects, I married my opposite 13 years ago in Scott.
You can rightly assume I was one of his first financial patients. He has a passion for helping others decide where money should be spent and making sure these priorities are met through budgeting and careful financial planning. Scott is great at looking at the long-term outcomes of decisions and being motivated by these long-term goals such as saving for retirement (even though in our case that goal is 25-30 plus years away).
I, on the other hand, am like many of his clients as I am still constantly learning how careful I have to be to implement a financial plan that I will actually follow (this is critical if you choose to marry a financial planner). I also get easily distracted from the long-term goals by short-term needs and wants (or as Scott calls them “lifestyle choices”). My money story is not too uncommon. I was supported by my parents in a style of comfort I truly enjoyed and very much took for granted until I finished graduate school (fully funded by my parents of course) and married Scott.
Our first year of marriage was tough, mainly for financial reasons. First off, Scott had student loans from graduate school and was just starting off in the financial services arena after years of studying and working in clinical psychology. I was used to spending money on wants and not necessarily my own needs.
Scott was determined to learn everything he could about financial planning and wanted us to follow all the guidelines. In theory, I would have told you we were making joint decisions, from sharing a joint checking account to communicating on big purchases. The reality was that I thought that since the beginning of our marriage I was the primary bread winner, I should be able to drive the train on financial decisions. I even sadly made some hidden purchases before Scott realized how much designer jeans, etc. actually cost. You can imagine where we were headed.
Eventually, through lots of patience from Scott and plain old necessity, I got with the plan. After 13 plus years of marriage, my best advice is to find an unbiased financial planner as soon as possible if you are in a relationship. No, I am not getting paid for that endorsement- I truly mean it. They can help you set a plan that is workable and assures you that in the long term, you have the right strategies in place for estate planning, retirement, college funding, etc. It is a big undertaking and someone has to have all the puzzle pieces to help put it all together for you.
The unbiased part comes from seeing so many people using what should be a helping profession to sell products. I am in the medical services industry and am amazed at the lack of oversight in the financial service industry. In my profession, you can’t call yourself a therapist, a nurse, or a physician without the proper degree and training (but that is yet another blog post someone else can write). Purchasing financial products from sales groups may help to implement your plan, but they don’t set the goals and have all the pieces in your best interest assembled as a workable cohesive plan.
Through this process of setting a plan, budgeting will naturally come up. I am not a natural at budgeting to this day, so I have to build stop gaps into our budget. My way of doing this is to set goals for the short-term as well as long-term. (Note: We use a goals worksheet similar to this SMART form.)
Sometimes these short-term goals are as simple as saving money on groceries this week to enjoy a nice evening out and paying for a babysitter. For other friends, they might be to participate in a consignment sale to reward themselves with a girl’s trip or even to fund their children’s next wardrobe requirements. I have to make it a game with a reward to stay focused and on track. The motivators and rewards are a personal choice.
The other key is to be transparent in your financial life. It is easy to commit financial adultery and many acquaintances have admitted to doing just that (since I didn’t say friends no one can get mad at me for this statement). Online banking and budgeting sites such as Mint, Personal Capital, and Budget Pulse make this easier to do than when we first got married.
Gone are the days where you could hide the monthly bank statement from your spouse. Scott, to this day, will look over our joint checking account and marvel at what certain items cost, but as long as we are on track, his comments are limited to general observations. In fair turn, I can look over his spending as well and comment on the inherent value in that round of golf or occasional trip to the local pub! We originally set a spending limit where we needed to consult one another if we were going to spend more than $100. This limit has since gone up but what was most important is that we were talking about our spending and working together.
I don’t think I am alone in enjoying luxury items when possible and previously at times, being willing to even sacrifice my own savings or retirement plan for a great pair of jeans or handbag (though I haven’t been able to justify some of them even to myself). I meet lots of professional women and men who enjoy these items too and have admitted to committing the same financial planning mistakes as me. The difference is making sure you make the sacrifices to still stay committed to your financial goals for the short-term and the long-term.
I will admit there are days when I am tempted to make a purchase that goes against our plan. I confess to being a talk radio listener during the work week. Coming home some nights is a personal finance radio show featuring a financial guru (Dave Ramsey) that even I am not sure I could be married to. I do enjoy listening to his advice though and reminding myself that the end game is more important than the little sacrifices along the way. I just also can admit to myself that unlike Scott, I require some rewards along the way that are more immediate than my retirement.
Next week, I’ll share a little more about my side of the story. This was completely my wife’s idea, but you know I just HAD to use this opportunity to get the last word in! No matter what season it is in your marriage, it’s important to schedule regular money talks and set some parameters if you’ve had some disagreements in the past. Most importantly, if you take the time to understand your own money story, you just may obtain some important insight that can help you create a more meaningful financial life plan.